Parents, Let’s Make This Memorable Stay-At-Home Time Count!

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We are our kids most important role model and they will probably remember this pandemic stay-at-home time for the rest of their lives. It’s a unique opportunity for us to demonstrate:

  • Calm, thoughtful responses to all the challenges and frustrations we encounter.
  • Great conflict management skills with our co-parent and others:
    • respectful listening
    • sharing our point of view
    • compromising
    • arriving at a shared understanding
  • Creativity and discipline in managing our own time and helping our kids manage their time.
  • Constructive responses to fear and uncertainty:
    • reminding and demonstrating for our kids that information is the antidote to fear by reading and viewing reliable sources of info (not Joe on facebook).
    • assessing needs and planning to fill them rather than acting on fear-driven impulses (going to the grocery store with a carefully planned list instead of hoarding toilet paper).
    • talking openly about our concerns and about how we’re managing them.
  • The value we place on togetherness by playing board games, learning crafts together, learning together to play musical instruments or a new language.
  • Our attention to the difference between things we can control and things we can’t control by showing how important it is to devote energy and time only to those things that we have some control over, not wasting energy and time caught up in frustration.
  • Constructive, thoughtful responses to official public health guidelines.

Monica McGoldrick, my family therapy mentor, once said that she advises parents to ask themselves, “How do you want your kids to remember you and the things they learned from you 20 years from now?” Her question has never been more important.

Sharing Parenting Responsibilities When Both Parents Must Work from Home During the Pandemic

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  • Some moms who are working from home because of the pandemic are getting overwhelmed by the care needs of their kids, in some cases even while the same kids’ dad is working in another room without interruption.
  • This may result from mothers traditionally being seen as the primary parent and fathers as the backup parent.
  • If you see this happening in your own family, note it, bring the issue up in conversation with your coparent, and work out a plan that feels fair to both of you.
  • It may be stressful confronting what’s going on but doing so will lessen the stress ultimately. (It’s human nature to avoid conflict. This often causes us to accept chronic stress rather than start a conversation that we expect will create a brief period of heightened stress.)
  • If your child’s other parent brings it up first, talk about the situation respectfully and seriously, not defensively or dismissively.
  • There are many ways to set up a plan:
    • Alternate days (or parts of days) as the go-to parent.
    • If it’s possible with your workplace, have one parent work alternate hours so that one of you can always focus exclusively on childcare.
  • Be sure to explain whatever plan you’ve decided upon to your kids and be consistent with your coparent in adhering to it.
  • Give lots of thanks and appreciation to your partner and children for sticking with whatever plan you come up with. This is a stressful time and expressing gratitude is always helpful.

 

Men as Key Allies for Domestic Violence Survivors During the Pandemic Lockdown

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  • Domestic violence is about power and control—confusing love with the right to own one’s partner.
  • Male power and control over women (patriarchy) is as old as civilization.
  • Male gender role expectations still subtly (and not so subtly) prescribe dominance and aggression.
  • These expectations are reinforced by messages that devalue women and girls:
    • You run/throw/talk like a girl!
    • Act like a man!
  • Domestic violence occurs with great frequency:
    • 1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner.
    • In heterosexual relationships in which there is violence, the man is the abusive partner in 85% of cases.
  • Intimate partner violence escalates during times of crisis.
  • The pandemic, with it’s “stay at home” mandate, exacerbates the isolation of survivors and exposure to their abusers.
  • This situation also makes it harder for survivors to reach services because they are always in the presence of their abuser.
  • Men can be vigilant regarding what their friends, brothers, and coworkers are saying about their relationships with their partners during this stressful time.
  • If we hear other men talking about their partners in disparaging ways, such as:
    • Saying that she needs constant supervision
    • Saying that she does everything wrong
    • Saying she’s way too sensitive when they argue
  • We can:
    • Ask if he ever pushes, slaps, trips, or in any other way hurts her physically
    • If so, and/or it’s clear to you that he treats her in ways that are physically or emotionally abusive, tell him this is not okay with you.
    • Ask him to join you in making a call to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) so that he can get help.
    • Do not suggest couple counseling as this frequently makes the problem worse.
  • It is particularly important for men to be allies for survivors in this way because, unfortunately, men tend to listen to one another more respectfully than we listen to women.
  • Other things men can do to help end intimate partner violence:
    • Be a positive role model:
      • Consistently show the same degree of respect for people of all genders.
      • Teach boys to respect people of all genders (and all other identity characteristics as well).
      • Share a broad range of feelings, not just “I’m Ok” or “I’m pissed.” Doing so will help you connect more deeply with others (and with yourself).
    • Touch other people only in ways that show caring.
    • Be an upstander, not a bystander:
      • Challenge men and boys who make disparaging comments or jokes about girls, women and other groups of people who have been marginalized.

 

  • The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a 24 hour resource, providing guidance and referrals for survivors, those who are abusing their partners, and allies.
    • 800-799-7233
    • thehotline.org

How to Manage At Home Workers

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(Mass Appeal) – For you managers, supervisors and business owners out there who now have staff members working from home, this can be a very difficult time to ensure employees are doing what is expected if you’ve never extended your staff the ability to work remotely.

Ken Dolan Del-Vecchio, founder of GreenGate Leadership, offers some very simple advice to those in supervisory positions with a newly remote workforce.

  • Some leaders who are unfamiliar with leading dispersed teams are imposing new oversight measures on their staff members, asking them to log:
    • Workday start and end times.
    • The tasks they are devoting their time to every hour or half-hour.
    • Lunch and break start and end times.
  • While perhaps well-intended, this is a bad idea because it conveys a lack of trust.
  • Those on the receiving end will likely feel resentful.
  • They will feel that they are wasting their time filling out a log that has the sole purpose of convincing you that they aren’t shirking.
  • Your lack of trust in your staff will diminish their trust in you.
  • The predictable result: lessened engagement, lower morale, and less inclination to give discretionary effort, exactly the opposite of what you hoped to achieve.
  • Research shows that trusting your team, on the other hand, builds their trust in you. This, in turn, increases morale, engagement, and discretionary effort.
  • If you have already implemented such a tracking log:
    • Discontinue it.
    • Apologize to your staff for launching it.
    • Tell them that you did it as a result of your own anxiety about keeping things going and that you’ve realized that you should just trust them instead of trying to monitor their every move.
  • Contrary to what you may fear, apologizing in this manner will almost certainly increase your team’s respect and regard for you. We almost always appreciate it when a leader shows vulnerability by apologizing for an error and correcting it.
  • It is helpful during this time to provide your staff with access to articles, webinars, and other supportive resources that can help them structure their work setting at home, manage their time, and cope with the stress associated with what’s going on.
  • Providing access to these kinds of supports conveys respect for your staff during this time of great change and stress.
  • Remember that what matters is performance—results achieved—not activity. You can and should communicate, as always, with your team members regarding what they are achieving, providing regular words of thanks and constructive criticism as warranted.

Whose life is this? Celebrating our child’s unique gifts.

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Whose life is this? Some tips for celebrating our child’s unique gifts.

We all want great things for our kids, but if we overly-enthusiastically envision our child’s future as a star athlete, physician, attorney, or entertainer it’s a good idea to press the reset button and focus on our child’s real attributes and interests. Every child deserves to be loved and celebrated for who they truly are (and not be seen as a disappointment for not having fulfilled a parent’s dreams). Below are some tips:

  • Practice naming as many of your child’s character traits as you can. Many descriptions fit our son when he was little, including smiley, interested in other people, a lover of cats, dogs, and horses, deep sleeper, tentative but curious in new situations, friendly, trusting, musical, energetic, flexible, adaptable, great about trying new food, and easily amused. (We were very lucky: He was an especially easy baby to care for.)
  • Observe and name ways that your child’s aptitudes, interests, and temperament both resemble and differ from your own, his or her other parent, and extended family members.
  • Discuss with another adult whom you trust how the ways that you and your child seem both similar and different enrich both of your lives.
  • Make a point of learning more about some of your child’s interests that are unfamiliar to you.
  • Notice and name your child’s likes and dislikes. Help them identify and put these into words also.
  • Compliment yourself and your co-parent, if you have one, for supporting your child’s pursuits that lie beyond your own personal interests and talents.
  • Write a sentence of two affirming your belief in your child’s right to his or her own life, which may differ significantly from your own when it comes to interests, spirituality, sexual orientation, gender identity, educational path, occupational interest, where geographically they choose to settle in the world, the sort of people they choose to associate with, etc.
  • Closely examine anything that you want very badly for your child. Examining such feelings will help you decide whether they may actually be misplaced and more accurately belong to you.

Practicing the above will sharpen your ability to celebrate the unique individual with whom your family has been blessed. You’ll learn, perhaps paradoxically, that the more we parents recognize and value how our child differs from us, the closer we feel to them (and they to us).

Men’s Key Role as Women’s Workplace Allies

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  • Men are key to ensuring the creation of workplaces and a world in which women and girls always experience safety, respect, and equal opportunities.
  • Virtually every woman has stories about being mistreated by men or boys at school, work, and/or elsewhere.
  • It’s important to recognize that women speaking out about this treatment (as in the #metoo movement) is an entirely positive development, a step toward greater equality for everybody.
  • If you hear a story and find yourself thinking “I don’t believe this happened” try substituting “As far as I know, nothing like this has happened to anybody I know and it’s upsetting to think that such things happen to anyone.”
  • Recognize any feelings of defensiveness and put them aside. Remember, this is not an attack on men. Instead, it’s about the expectation that all human beings consistently treat one another with respect—something most men believe in and want to be a part of.
  • In the workplace, women too often receive less pay than men for the same jobs, see their ideas given less value, and are disproportionately expected to take on support functions such as note taking and planning refreshments.
  • Men can keep these in mind and take steps to correct them by:
    • Complimenting women on their work contributions more than on their appearance—the same way that we do with male coworkers.
    • Supporting what women have to say and inviting them to say more.
    • Giving credit to women for the contributions they’ve made even when they are not present.
    • Mentoring women as freely as we do men.
    • Considering women for promotions as readily we you do men.
    • Doing all that we can to ensure equal pay for equal work.
    • Making no assumptions about a woman’s fitness for assignments based upon her marital, parenting, or family situation.
    • Distributing and taking on support functions (note-taking, refreshments, etc) in a way that’s fair to everyone.
  • Men can continuously challenge ourselves and others re: the “male code” that we’ve all lived with:
    • We can examine whether we think of and respond differently to women who hold positions of authority than we do men who hold such positions and strive to change whatever discrepancies we identify.
    • When other men make vulgar comments about women, we can say, “That’s not okay with me.”
    • We can talk with our male friends and our son(s), if we have them, about how important it is for men to build the notion that “Real men (really, mature adults of all genders) respect people of all genders and all other characteristics as well” into our “code of masculinity.”
  • Because of what our culture has traditionally taught us about how to be a man, it is likely that most, if not all of us, have said and done some things that made another person feel uncomfortable.
    • If we are told that something we did made another person feel uncomfortable–such as commenting on their appearance—we can listen without rebutting or giving excuses, and, if we can do it sincerely, apologize.
    • If we don’t feel able to sincerely apologize, we can thank the person who brought this to our attention and tell them that we’re going to take what they said to heart and then get back to them after we’ve thought more about it.
    • We can talk with another person whom we respect about what we’ve been told and ask them to help us examine how we feel and how best to respond.
    • We can accept that none of us is perfect—not even close.
    • We can remember that apologizing and making a sincere commitment to change our behavior is a sign of strength, not weakness.

 

 

The Most Memorable Holiday Gifts

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  • The most valuable things in life aren’t things!
  • Over time, we tend to lose interest in new toys, gadgets, and clothes. And each of these eventually wears out.
  • Fond memories, on the other hand, just get better with time.
  • Keep this in mind when it comes to holiday giving.
  • Make some of your gifts experiences instead of things:
    • Give an introductory painting, cooking, ceramics, photography, yoga, dance, scuba, or some other kind of class that your recipient has said they’d like to try. Sign yourself up as well!
    • Give dinner reservations (or a dinner that you prepare) followed by tickets to a play, music, or comedy performance your recipient has been dying to see.
    • Perhaps you’ll give of your time and talent by offering to help with a project your friend has been wanting to get around to doing: painting a room, organizing their home office, planting a garden, or updating their resume.
  • Giving experiential gifts to our children is particularly important. It helps them develop the habit of resisting the ever-present advertising messages designed to convince them that buying things is the route to happiness.
    • Make one of their gifts a weekend in Boston, NYC, or some other place they’d like to visit during which you’ll do things that they love.
    • Schedule a weekend camping, hiking, or skiing adventure.
    • Schedule time to take them rollerblading, ice-skating, or doing something else that they enjoy.
    • Plan shared participation in a Habitat for Humanity, Foodbank, or other volunteer project or activity.
  • The suggestions offer a starting place for thinking about the kinds of experiences enjoyed by the people you love, as well as experiences that you enjoy doing together.
  • Keep in mind that the gift of a shared experience can become a memory that will be cherished for a long time to come.
  • Giving experiential gifts may also become a tradition that will enrich your family.