Making Love, Playing Power: Men, Women, and the Rewards of Intimate Justice Book Launch–Recently discovered this video and it’s so relevant to what’s happening today.

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The Importance of Having a Purpose

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The Importance of Having a Purpose*

  • What’s your purpose?
  • If you can answer this question, there’s a growing body of research showing that you will likely:
    • Live longer.
    • Sleep better and feel more relaxed when you’re awake.
    • Reduce your risk of Alzheimer’s disease by more than 50%.
    • Enjoy better overall health.
    • Have more friends.
    • Feel happier and more content.
    • Feel more engaged in life.
  • These benefits come with living a purpose that goes beyond self-interest. Some examples:
    • To be a caring parent and partner, and treat everyone with kindness and respect.
    • To make people smile and help them have fun.
    • To share information that helps people live healthier and more satisfying lives.
    • To end homelessness in my community.
    • To provide fresh, organic food for my customers.
    • To help survivors of abuse thrive.
    • To bring more health, sanity, and justice into the world.
  • We can identify our purpose by asking ourselves questions such as:
    • What are my most important values?
    • What life goals matter most to me?
    • How would I like to be remembered when I’m gone? What would I like people to say about me when they describe what I meant to them?
  • Purposeful living requires energy & focus. These are fueled by healthy living habits:
    • Getting enough rest.
    • Staying in the present moment.
    • Activity (exercise/movement).
    • Eating well.
  • It can help us stay on track by regularly stating our purpose out loud to ourselves and/or writing it down and posting it (some people write their purpose on a post-it note and stick it on their bathroom mirror).
  • It also helps to let other people know our purpose. This provides a gentle kind of accountability.
  • We can expect our purpose to change over time.
  • For parents, sharing our purpose with our child and helping them identify their own can be among the most important gifts that we give them.

 

*Much of this information comes from Life On Purpose: How Living for What Matters Most Changes Everything by Victor Strecher.

Power, Privilege, and Inclusion in the Workplace (Part 2)

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The second of a two-part conversation that Gloria McDonald, MSOD and I had with host Karen Delk, MBA, PCC on Karen’s New Beginnings Show. Our topic was power, privilege, and inclusion in the workplace.

Power, Privilege, and Inclusion in the Workplace (Part 1)

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The first in a two-part conversation with Karen Delk, MBA, PCCand Gloria McDonald, MSOD on Karen’s New Beginnings show.

Teaching our kids courtesy and self-control

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  • Little children don’t misbehave, they do what comes naturally. They depend upon us to teach them EVERYTHING!
  • Children mirror us: We are our child’s role model. We need to behave in the way we’d like them to behave.
  • If we want our child to be civil and kind and respectful, we need to consistently demonstrate civility, kindness, and respect toward our child and everyone else.
  • Try to only use language that you’re comfortable with your child repeating.
  • Say please and thank you to your child.
  • Tell the truth.
  • Make every touch a loving, gentle, respectful touch.
  • Keep in mind how powerful you are when compared with your child and set limits in a way that’s consistent, firm, and kind rather than unpredictable, angry, and punitive.
  • Saying “no” is essential to helping your child develop self-control, frustration tolerance, and good judgement.
  • We can help our child learn to soothe him or herself when frustrated, but we should generally avoid reversing a “no.”
  • Provide supervision and constructive feedback when your child is in the company of smaller children and pets.
  • Teach courtesy and self-control from the time they’re very small.
  • Expect your child to be wary of new and potentially frightening experiences and help them get familiar and, therefore, more comfortable with them.
  • Take your child with you when you have your hair cut. Let him or her sit on your lap or right nearby and talk with them about how much fun you’re having.
  • Bring them along when you see your dentist and let them sit with another adult and watch.
  • Take them to restaurants and other public places, pay close attention, and help shape how they behave.
  • The goal is to teach your child the skills that will help them manage their own behavior and successfully navigate interpersonal relationships and the world around them.

Tips for Coping with the Loss of a Pet–Mass Appeal

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Love Your Pet Week: Tips for coping with the loss of a pet

Don’t be surprised if losing your pet hurts more than when you lost a human family member. It is absolutely normal for some people who lose their animal companion to find this loss hurts more than when they lost a human loved one. If you’re one of those people, it doesn’t mean you loved your parent, sibling, or friend any less. Instead, it means you had an exceptionally close bond with your animal companion, probably because they lived in your house with you all of their lives, you touched them with your hands every day, and you may have cared for them in a very intimate way-bathing them, clipping their nails, preparing their food, and administering medication. This kind of closeness often builds an exceptionally deep connection.

It’s normal to feel numb, disbelieving, furious, guilty, sad, hopeless, confused, and calm–all within just a few minutes. You may also have difficulties with short-term memory, sleeping, and eating.

People grieve differently and there’s no right way to do it. Some people show a lot of feelings to a lot of people, others grieve more quietly. The length of time grief persists varies from one individual to the next. There are no correct and incorrect ways to get through this.

Expect your grief to progress unevenly. It’s normal to feel one day (or one minute) like you’re calm and doing better and then all of a sudden crash back into the pit of grief. Over time you’ll feel better, but the progression generally feels unsteady.

Take good care of yourself: eat well, rest, exercise, share your thoughts and feelings with loved ones. Share your thoughts and feelings with people who love and respect you, those who understand how much you loved your friend. Try to get enough sleep. If sleep proves difficult, soothe yourself with soft music, meditation, or stretching before retiring. Try to rest even if sleep eludes you. Do your best to eat well and drink lots of water. Stick with your regular program of exercise and daily activity. Sometimes working helps because it keeps you structured, provides constructive distraction, and places you close to loving friends. Sometimes it’s better to take a bit of time off.

Even the most loving pet guardians often feel guilty. No matter how much love and care you gave, how closely you paid attention to symptoms, or how carefully you made end-of-life decisions, in hindsight you may torment yourself with the suspicion that you failed to love, care, plan, and do enough. Take heart. Over time, talking these concerns through with others and thinking them through on your own will eventually help you see that you did all that one could, and your guilt will wither.

Inform and include children in ways that fit their age. Children younger than five typically cannot grasp the permanence of death. It can help to explain that the pet’s body stopped working and they will not wake up, eat, or move anymore. You may need to repeat this explanation a number of times. By age eight or nine most children understand death in a more adult fashion. Children of all ages, including teenagers, tend to assume that when unwelcome things happen in their family, somehow they may have had something to do with it. It can help to reassure them that this is not so by telling them that their friend died because she was old or sick or suffered an injury, and nothing they did contributed to this happening. Include children in whatever ritual the family decides upon: reading good-bye letters, letting go of balloons, or whatever other way you choose to mark your friend’s passing.

Respecting Your Child’s Other Parent – Mass Appeal

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  • As you are well aware, many marriages and other intimate relationships into which children are born or adopted do not weather the tests of time. 
  • Also, some parents do not legally separate but nonetheless leave their intimate partnership behind. Their marriage persists in name only and the cohabitation that lingers may resemble anything from friendly roommates sharing a home to hostile combatants in a cold war-style standoff.
  • Whatever the situation—from wedded bliss, to frozen stalemate, to post-divorce calm—children deserve protection from the stress of whatever disagreements parents have with one another.
  • Children also deserve assurances that both of their parents have their best interests at heart, provided, of course, that this is true. 
  • Recommendations for helping children feel supported through their parents’ separation and divorce follow.
  • Great parents never lose sight of their child’s needs. They recognize that, unless their co-parent has been abusive, neglectful, or entirely absent, their child needs the love and support of both parents as well as any other adults who have played a parent-like role in their child’s life. This may include grandparents, godparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and neighbors who have become “like family.” 
  • Great parents do nothing to disparage these individuals who mean so much to their child. On the contrary, they regularly voices their respect and admiration for the role such people play in their child’s life and the value their child places upon them. This starts at the moment parents first announce to their child their forthcoming separation:
  • “While the two of us will no longer be living together, we both love you with all our hearts and will take care of you as we always have.”
  • “Sometimes parents decide they can’t continue to live together and stay married but that doesn’t change how much they love their child, and it doesn’t change the way we’ll work together to be the best parents you could possibly have.”
  • “We will always respect one another and stay partners when it comes to taking care of you. That will never change.”
  • “Also, because kids often feel like they are responsible for way too many things, we want to make sure that you know that you are absolutely NOT responsible even a tiny bit for our decision to separate.”

Messages like those above give reassurance, but it takes follow-through to make it real. Below are some examples of what that looks like:

  • Absolute consistency with child support and alimony payments. In situations where alimony applies, the payer may keep in mind the benefits for their child.  Specifically, a co-parent who receives enough income to support themselves feels less stress and can therefore devote energy to caring for their child. 
  • Kindness and respect voiced to and about your ex. This conveys to your child that you have faith in their other parent’s competence and parenting skills, helping your child feel more secure. 
  • Never asking your child to report on their other parent’s behavior. This offers your child many benefits. Similar to the above, it conveys a respect for the other parent’s competence and this reassures your child. It also conveys a respect for your co-parent’s privacy, which at the same time teaches your child about the importance of your privacy and their own as well.  Finally, imagine for a moment what it would be like to be in your child’s position. How would it feel to be expected to spy on one parent for the other? How would this make you feel about both parents? How would it affect your overall level of stress? As you grew toward adulthood, what would this experience have taught you about the use of surveillance as a way to control your intimate partner? 
  • Communicating directly with your child’s other parent about matters involving your child rather than asking the child to carry messages on your behalf. A child who knows that his or her parents maintain direct contact, reach consensus, and provide consistent parenting, knows a kind of security that all children deserve. Placing your child in the middle of their parent’s relationship benefits nobody. 
  • Staying enthusiastically involved with your child’s life. This means knowing their changing likes, dislikes, hopes, and dreams; regularly spending time with them; giving lots of undivided attention, and listening carefully to what they have to say. 
  • Your sincere engagement and emotional support will strengthen your child and be remembered always. 

 

Source: https://www.wwlp.com/massappeal/respecting-your-childs-other-parent/

How To Nurture Your Child’s Self-Esteem – Mass Appeal

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Nurturing Our Child’s Self-Esteem

  • First and most important, never attack your child personally:
    • Imagine what it feels like to be called dumb, stupid, lazy, weak, or any other name by your mom or dad.
    • Make a commitment to never verbally assault your child.
    • It helps to give your child feedback so they develop positive behaviors—“shhh, we need to be quiet in the library; remember, it’s important to pet the puppy very gently because he’s so little”— but personal attacks/name calling only hurts them.
  • Notice your child’s positive behavior and compliment her or him on these:
    • I like the way you share your toys with your little brother.
    • I see the way you pay attention to the game even when you’re all the way out in left field—way to go!
    • You got a gold star on your math homework—that’s great work!
  • Give them words they can hang onto that describe their strengths:
    • You’re a loving big brother.
    • You’re a good team player and you’re good at paying attention.
    • You know how to take responsibility for getting your homework done.
  • Do not give your child untruthful or exaggerated compliments as this distorts their ability to accurately assess their own attributes and skills.
  • It never helps to say things that lessen your child’s grasp on reality.
  • Affirming your child’s self-esteem in the ways described above does not negate the need to also give your child constructive feedback.
  • We all benefit from constructive criticism when it’s delivered in a way that is indeed constructive and not hurtful.

Source: https://www.wwlp.com/mass-appeal/how-to-nurture-your-child-s-self-esteem/2051830965

Wedding Week: How Learning To Apologize Leads To A Better Relationship – Mass Appeal

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Finding the Strength to Apologize

  • When we apologize after making an error, we demonstrate strength rather than weakness.
  • Many people seem confused about this, perhaps because we so rarely see public figures apologize.
  • Most of us will agree that attempts to deny or justify a mistake only further damage credibility.
  • Apology lays the cornerstone for the building of a new history, but that’s all. The person who apologizes must make that new history come alive during the days and months that follow their apology.
  • If we do the same thing again, our apology loses its value. Worse yet, it becomes a reference point for hypocrisy.
  • It pays for parents to apologize for their small, everyday mistakes in addition to the really big ones. (I have a quick story to share that illustrates the value here.)
  • Doing so helps our child feel respected and loved. It also provides good role modeling.
  • When planning to apologize for a substantial mistake—on the scale of addictive behavior that has consequences for loved ones or criminal behavior—professional guidance and the support of loving friends and family members can prove valuable to everyone involved.
  • Apology dos and don’ts:
    • Do take full responsibility: “I’m very sorry for what I did and I take full responsibility for it.”
    • Do share what you imagine the impact may have been: “I imagine you must have felt disrespected and insulted when I said that.”
    • Do make a commitment to never repeat the same behavior.
    • Don’t give a “non-apology” such as:
      • “I’m sorry that happened.”
      • “I’m sorry that you feel that way.”
    • Don’t give an “I’m sorry but” such as:
      • “I’m sorry I did that, but don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
      • “I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t have said that if you hadn’t started the argument.”
    • Don’t assume that positive intentions excuse the impact of negative behavior:
      • “I’m not going to apologize because I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings.”
  • Remember that apologizing for wrong-doing is the essential first step toward healing a damaged relationship and restoring personal integrity. Doing so demonstrates courage and personal strength.

Source: https://www.wwlp.com/mass-appeal/wedding-week-how-learning-to-apologize-leads-to-a-better-relationship/1986257114