Radical Self-Awareness – Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

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Radical Self-Awareness #2 – Is He a Racist? It’s the Wrong Question.

March 4, 2019/in Articles/by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

Click Here To Read Radical Self-Awareness #1 – Introduction: The Importance of Power >

It was early December, 2000, and the unresolved presidential election was in the hands of the U.S. Supreme Court. I was at a holiday party where I knew the host and some of the guests very well. There were also some friends of the host there who I typically caught up with only at this annual event. Steve, the man I was talking with, fell into that category. He said, “Ken, you know I’m not homophobic and I’d love to hear the gay perspective on Gore v. Bush?”
I can’t help smiling as I remember Steve’s question, a gift revealing so much about the stories we tell ourselves.
“Steve, how can you possibly say that you’re not homophobic?” I said in a tone that I hoped sounded kind and not accusatory. “How can anybody who grew up in the United States say they’re not at least a little bit homophobic? I’m homophobic and I’m gay. I didn’t even admit to myself that I’m gay until I was 35 because the world around me—at school, all of media, and even in my family—had convinced me that being gay was one of the worst things anyone could possibly be.”
Steve and I continued our conversation. I told him that what I’d said about homophobia applied to racism and sexism as well. These had been drilled into me every day at school and by the television shows, movies, advertising, and songs of the day. I told him that almost every one of my textbooks and educators, starting in first grade and continuing through graduate school, would have me believe that all the great achievements in science, art, government, and sports belonged to white men. People of color were depicted almost exclusively as primitives if not savages and white women were mentioned mostly as helpmates and caregivers, born to provide support but never leadership. I told Steve that I’d work the rest of my life to get homophobia, racism, sexism, and other power over patterns completely out of me and out of my workplace, family, and everywhere else where I have any hope of making an impact.
They still live inside me and show up too regularly:

One afternoon I noticed three African-American young men laughing with each other as they headed toward me on a sidewalk in Newark, NJ. I reached into my pocket to secure my phone and wallet. Observing my own behavior, I challenged this racist impulse by reminding myself that these young men were behaving exactly the way that my white son and his friends do when they are on their way somewhere together. I relaxed, smiled, and said a quick “hello” as they passed. They returned my greeting.
When opening business meetings, I remind myself to remember the importance of everyone having equal time to voice their contributions and receive validation. I note my tendency to listen more carefully to human beings whose names begin with “vice president” than those who hold lower organizational titles. I note my lingering tendency to listen to men more carefully than women and white people more carefully than people of color. I recall times when I have caught myself enacting these classist, sexist, and racist patterns. I once caught myself just after I had interrupted an African-American woman who was one of the members of a team I led. I stopped speaking and apologized to her. I also told her and the others present that cutting her off was my racism and sexism rearing its ugly head and that, unfortunately, this continues to happen sometimes despite my best efforts.
After interviewing an employment candidate, I told a colleague that I thought my interviewee may be a great fit with the team but worried about their health and stamina because they were extremely overweight. My colleague said, “You have no idea what kind of health problem may be lurking inside of any of us and to make an assumption that this person is close to having a disability is all kinds of problematic. I’m glad you told me what you’re thinking because it’s called body shaming and you need to own it and get past it.” The person in question turned out to be an extraordinary member of our team.

Bias and oppression:

I mentioned that I almost used my institutional power as a leader to decide against hiring a skilled professional because of their body size. How many times have hiring managers rejected a candidate for this reason or because of their skin-color, gender, or sexual orientation, all of which have nothing to do with their professional qualifications? How many times do people of color, women, queer people, and people with disabilities leave a job because their coworkers in small but cumulatively powerful ways make them feel unwelcome? Bias means I like or dislike something. Racism, sexism, homophobia, and body-shaming are biases backed up by institutional power. They are forms of oppression. Negative bias can be harmful. Oppression, on the other hand, destroys careers, lives, families, and communities.
I worked for a time within a school-based family counseling clinic where I was the only man on the staff. At one meeting, the agency’s leader wondered aloud whether I sometimes found myself on the receiving end of “sexist oppression.” She said, “You’re the only man here and it seems like we’ve been wrapped up in bridal and baby showers these past few weeks. I hope you don’t feel “oppressed by a bunch of sexist women.”
I told her that not for one moment did I feel oppressed. I remember telling her that, while I was the only man within the agency, I could walk over to the public high school we served and be in a place where the principal and superintendent were male. I mentioned that the governor was male and, moreover, that the majority of people who held positions of power everywhere were male. I had absolutely no reason to fear that the school system or any of the other institutions of our society would back an effort to mistreat me because of my gender.
Even if this leader had held a bias against men and mistreated me accordingly, this would not have been sexism. Sexism is the ancient and enduring system in which all major institutions (governments, communities of faith, educational systems, mainstream media, and large workplaces) treat women as though they have less value than men. The world has never devalued people simply because they are men.

Even small acts of resistance matter.

Just as our complicity with oppression matters, so does our resistance to it. Together, we continuously shape the institutions that create our society. Together, we are those institutions. Our resistance matters even when it takes the form of speaking just a few words. At a conference some years back one of those present repeatedly said, “There are men and there are women.” I can’t remember exactly what point he was trying to make with this pronouncement and, knowing him, I am absolutely certain that he did not mean to offend anyone. I, however, felt compelled to interject, “I just want to add that there are human beings who do not identify as either men or women.” The man who had spoken agreed entirely and thanked me for saying that. Years later I was speaking with a colleague who made a point of saying to me, “I want to thank you. Years ago, we were at a conference together and you spoke up for the existence of trans people when I was feeling like their existence was being denied. I wanted to speak—my sibling is trans—but didn’t have the courage. I’ll always remember what you said and how it helped me feel comfortable again in that meeting.”

Privilege and oppression:

Privilege and oppression are two sides of the same coin. You can’t have one without the other. Women being paid less than men for the same job (sexism) means that men are receiving more pay than women for that job (male privilege). African-American defendants given more significant jail sentences than white defendants for the same crime (racism) means that lesser sentences are being given to white defendants (white privilege). When same sex couples could not obtain the legal protections of marriage (homophobia) the fact that only opposite sex couples were able to receive these protections was an example of heterosexual privilege. Sexism cannot exist without male privilege, racism cannot exist without white privilege, homophobia cannot exist without heterosexual privilege, and so on. This is how power over works. For every oppressed group another group receives privilege. The remedy to privilege and oppression, the foundation of power with, is equality. Equality, the foundation of power with, will be the remedy.

Institutionalized *Power Over* Creates Privilege and Oppression
Male Privilege/Sexism	Cisgender Privilege/Transphobia
White Privilege/Racism	Youth Privilege/Ageism
Class (Organizational Level) Privilege/ Classism	Able Privilege (Including Mental Wellness Privilege) /Ableism (Including Mental Illness Stigma)
Heterosexual Privilege/Homophobia	Beauty Privilege/Body Shaming

Acknowledging the realities of privilege and oppression and accepting where we stand personally can make us feel deeply uncomfortable because, mainly, we take our privileges for granted. It may be difficult for a white person to see that not having to worry that we’ll be followed by a department store’s security staff as a suspected shoplifter is a privilege—but it is. Cisgender people may not be aware that it is a privilege to never have to worry that we may face assault as a result of our gender expression. People who live with heart disease, diabetes, migraines, and back problems may occasionally talk with their coworkers about how they’re doing with these conditions. They benefit from the concern and support they receive. Some of these people may never have imagined that this sort of supportive conversation is a privilege generally unavailable to people who live with anxiety, depression, and addiction disorders.
It’s a privilege to actively demonstrate racist, sexist, and other oppressive behaviors and not be held accountable for the impact of these behaviors upon others. We may never have been asked to consider how saying “that’s so gay” in the presence of a person struggling with accepting their sexual orientation may contribute to their feelings of isolation and despair. We may never have been challenged when we’ve made disparaging comments about people who practice a particular faith or people who live with disabilities. We may have made hiring, promotion, or key assignment decisions that were shaped at least in part by our sexist concern that a female team member, because of her gender alone, may be less devoted to her work than her male colleague. Because it can be uncomfortable to look at the ways that the world grants us advantages and the ways that we participate in sexism, racism, and other oppressions, we often resort to an all-too-human solution: denial.

Moving beyond denial:

How many times have you seen an interviewer on one of the cable news shows ask their on-air guests to opine on whether or not one public figure or another, usually an elected official, is a racist? The question always gets asked in a tone fraught with tense anticipation, as though the interviewer might just as well be asking whether the guest thinks that individual is a serial killer.
The tension surrounding this question reflects our dilemma regarding whether or not we can tell the truth about our power over system and the privileges and oppressions it requires. For well-intentioned people to benefit from the privileges delivered by this inherently unjust arrangement, without feeling bad about it, we must deny what is happening. Our denial shows up when we:

Resist examining our own racist, sexist, and homophobic thoughts and behavior and, as a result, continue them unchanged.
Become defensive rather than appreciative when our ideas and behavior related to diversity and power are challenged by others.
Reflexively defend rather than critically examine and work to make the institutions with which we identify more inclusive.

Our denial of oppression and privilege is what makes the question “Is (insert public figure’s name here) a racist?” so fraught with taboo, so full of potential for drama, and, hence, so irresistible for broadcasters. The question leads nowhere constructive, however.
Imagine a broadcast in which the interviewer asks a different question: “Given that we’re a society struggling to overcome racism, sexism, homophobia, and classism, how do you think (insert name here) is doing at challenging their own racism, sexism, and homophobia and leading us toward a future built on equality?” This question removes the need to deny the “isms” that live within the institutions of our society and us as individuals. It opens a path that leads away from power over and toward power with. The question frees us to say, “Of course, given my background and experiences in this society’s power over system, I have been indoctrinated into these ways of thinking and behaving. This admission does not make me a bad person. On the contrary, it frees me to examine myself and make healing changes in the ways I think and behave. It frees me to recognize another way forward.”
This admission also empowers me to challenge others from a place of love and understanding. When Steve, the man I mentioned at the start of this piece, said “You know I’m not homophobic and I’d love to hear the gay perspective on Gore v. Bush,” I saw that in one sentence he had managed to both deny and demonstrate homophobia (imagine asking a heterosexual person for the heterosexual perspective on Gore v. Bush). I also understood that I have done similar things too many times to count. I challenged him knowing that he and I are in this together.

I’ll bring this piece to a close by paraphrasing the words of great minds such as Archbishop Desmond Tutu and Paulo Freire: Pretending neutrality means siding with those who oppress. We are either working to end the attitudes and behaviors—in ourselves and in the institutions of the world around us—that support power over or we are supporting the continuation of those attitudes and behavior. There is no neutral ground.
I will continue to work on this aspect of radical self-awareness personally and share additional insights with you along the way. I look forward to hearing from you as well.

Key Points:

Accepting that I have internalized racist, sexist, and other oppressive attitudes does not make me a bad person. On the contrary, it means I’m being honest about the ways that the world around me has shaped my thoughts and behavior.
Acknowledging my participation in racist, sexist, and other oppressive patterns of thought and behavior can be a powerful first step toward change.
Denial is the enemy of personal and systemic change.
Vigilance regarding my own behavior and appreciative response to constructive feedback from others are essential for deepening self-awareness and increasing positive interactions with others of all backgrounds.
My behavior matters because, together with others, we shape institutions–workplaces, government, educational systems, families, communities–as they shape us and those who come after us.
Power over systems strive to create us and them distinctions. Power with systems strive to affirm that there is no them, only us.

Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio, LMFT, SPHR, is an award-winning leader, speaker, consultant, author, and family therapist. He founded GreenGate Leadership® in 2017 after retiring from his role as Vice President, Health and Wellness, at Prudential, where he was responsible for behavioral health services. His team’s work led Prudential to receive the American Psychological Association’s 2017 Organizational Excellence Award. Ken was honored with the 2017 Leadership Award from the Employee Assistance Society of North America (EASNA). The National Alliance on Mental Illness’ New York City Metro Chapter named him 2016 Corporate Leader of the Year. Ken has authored four books and numerous other publications. He is a monthly NBC TV affiliate on-air guest and has been quoted in The Wall Street Journal, Fast Company, Entrepreneur, Inc. Magazine and other media. Learn more at www.greengateleadership.com

Radical Self-Awareness #1 – Introduction: The Importance of Power

January 31, 2019/in Articles/by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

For more than three decades, I’ve been studying human and organizational behavior and sharing what I’ve learned through my work as a speaker, consultant, coach, and therapist. The most important thing I’ve come to know: there will always be more to learn and one of the best learning tools is dialog. So, after you’ve read this piece and those that follow please send me your thoughts, questions, and suggestions—whatever you’d like to share. I look forward to hearing from you and will respond as applicable.
I am excited to bring you this first in a series of articles exploring radical self-awareness. I use this term to describe self-understanding that incorporates awareness of how gender, race, and other identity aspects, including organizational title, shape our thoughts and feelings about ourselves, how we relate to others, and the expectations with which we approach the world. I’ll share concepts, tools, and recommendations that have helped my clients improve their relationships at work, home, and beyond.
Let’s start by examining power, something rarely mentioned despite the fact that it shapes every interpersonal relationship. The rules set by power are so much a part of our lives, like the rules of nature that compel us to breathe, drink, and eat, that we almost always comply without much thought. Here, however, the rules are man-made and following them doesn’t always serve our best interests. We are wise, therefore, to switch off auto-pilot, observe carefully, and practice conscious decision-making.

What is power?

Power is the ability to shape important aspects of our lives, including the ease with which we acquire essentials such as food, water, safety, and shelter. The amount of power we have determines the flexibility with which we can interact with other people, the world of work, and the natural world. The more power we hold, the more control we have over our time and energy. The less power we hold, the more our time and energy gets devoted to activities directed by other people.
Each of us begins life as a powerless infant. We gain power through gifts of nature and from the people who care for us. Many of these power-enhancing gifts develop over the course of years: our size, physical strength, and our ever-improving communication, self-control, and other social skills, to name a few. In our culture, and many others as well, we may draw the greatest share of our power from the amount of money we accumulate and the extent to which we enjoy positive connections with people who have even more than we do.
We gain power other ways as well, through education and training that leads to professional credentials and occupational skills, and through life experiences that key us in to how the world works—the power of “street smarts.”
Our gender, race, sexual orientation, disability status, the degree to which our bodies conform to prevailing standards of beauty, as well as other personal characteristics beyond our control, also contribute greatly to the amount of power we hold. We receive privileges based upon these and other aspects of ourselves, something we’ll discuss in much greater detail in subsequent articles.

Pay attention to power.

If you want to make sense of human relationships, start by paying attention to power. The power a person has and how they choose to use it reveals a great deal about how best to approach living and working with them. I can also tell you that nothing will better help you craft a fulfilling life and career than an honest effort to grasp your own way of understanding and using power.
Disregard power at your own risk. You’ll find yourself lacking an important lens for understanding people and relationships. I’ve known organizational leaders, HR professionals, and therapists who fall into this category. They often see only a communication problem where the essential issue has everything to do with power.

Communication problems?

My phone is dead and I need to make a call. I speak only English and need to share information with someone who speaks only German (I’m on a train somewhere between Berlin and Frankfurt as I write these words). These are communication problems. The following workplace complaints represent something altogether different.

“When I asked a question about the new process my boss got a glazed look in her eyes, folded her arms, and before I’d even finished what I had to say, she said, ‘Why don’t you just follow the guidelines I sent out yesterday?’”
“I was facilitating training with an IT group when one of the participants went off! He stood up and started yelling at me—and he was a huge guy!” I backed up and let him rant until he kind of wore himself out. Then I told the group to take a break. As they were walking out of the room two people said to me, ‘Don’t worry, that’s just Stan—he’s brilliant and he flies off the handle about everything but he’s completely harmless.’”
“I can’t get anywhere with this health insurance claim. Twice now I’ve called the insurance plan and then given them all the information they asked for from my care provider. I just called them for the third time and was told once again that I’d misunderstood them and they need more information. I can’t believe how much time this is taking.”

Do these incidents sound familiar? They’re examples of the breakdown in communication that results from the misuse of power. In the first case, the boss uses her organizational power as a formal leader to disregard her team member’s words. She would benefit from coaching that reminds her of the power she holds as a leader and how important it is to consistently use her power in ways that help team members feel listened to and respected. In the second example, Stan uses the power that comes with his physical size and his value as a “brilliant” technician to get away with intimidating outbursts. There are Stans in almost every organization: employees whose behavior goes unchecked because the benefits of their strong technical skills are thought to outweigh the negative effects of their tantrums. The costs to the organization in terms of turnover, stress, and reduced productivity are overlooked…until violence and/or legal complaints happen. The tragedy here is that leadership’s unwillingness to hold Stan accountable serves nobody’s interest, Stan included, and the right kind of response may well reform Stan’s negative behavior. In the third example, the health insurance representatives use their power to blame and further confuse their plan participant instead of using their power to help get this claim paid. Experience tells me that this misuse of power is extraordinarily common. It begs for an employer-based oversight mechanism ensuring that every claim, brought by an employee or family member, is processed correctly and within a reasonable time frame. Such a mechanism can level the power imbalance between plan participant and health insurer, encouraging the latter to behave more responsibly.
I mentioned earlier how important it is for us to know where we stand when it comes to power. I worked with the most senior leader in a corporate group who loved to display his sarcastic sense of humor. He would say things like, “Oh, I’m surprised to see that you’re working from work today” to an employee who periodically worked from home. Many within his organization understood that he was just having fun and meant no harm. On occasion, however, someone would get upset. I remember talking with him about how important it is to remember that when he speaks to members of his group he is speaking as everybody’s boss and not just as another human being.

Two visions of power:

Broadly speaking, there are two ways to exercise power. We can use power as the right to dominate (power over) or the responsibility to support shared success (power with). The age-old history of human beings choosing the former, more consistently than the latter, lies behind practically everything that’s wrong today. Power over is the rationale behind our efforts to dominate instead of respect the natural world, the cause of a myriad of environmental crises, including, of course, the growing climate crisis. Power over is what ordained two rigidly defined genders as a first step toward justifying domination of one by the other. (Power over within human systems requires us and them distinctions as a starting place.) Thus, power over is the birthplace of patriarchy and sexism. Every additional “us and them” oppression starts from a power over mindset. The list includes racism, homophobia, transphobia, ageism, classism, ableism, antisemitism, Islamophobia, and stigmatizing people who live with certain illnesses (mental illnesses for example). They are all faces of the same evil and they are interconnected in important ways. We’ll discuss them at greater length later on.
Of course, the list above is far from exhaustive. Within work teams, the imposition of power over can be based upon differences that include:

Those who have worked with the leader previously, perhaps at a different company, vs those who have not worked with the leader previously.
Those who like linear project plans vs those who prefer less rigidly structured approaches.
Those with a boisterous interpersonal style vs those who lean toward introversion.

Power with, the alternative to power over, sees power not as the opportunity to dominate and control but, instead, as the responsibility to bring about good things for everybody involved. It is the essence of great leadership, partnering, parenting, and friendship. Indeed, power with is the essence of love.
The table below contrasts key elements of power over and power with.

*Power Over*	*Power With*
The right to dominate	Responsibility for shared success
Command and control	Facilitation
Punitive	Collaborative
Ranks differences	Appreciates differences
“I’m right and you’re wrong.”	“Hmm, I’ve never thought of it that way before.”
One person’s gain requires another’s loss.	Everyone gains.

The following questions can help you use the power over/power with lens to gain insights at work.

Which approach to power best characterizes my workplace?
If my workplace has a power over hierarchy, is there any effort underway to shift toward power with? How can I contribute to such an effort?
Where does my immediate supervisor’s behavior fit on this table? What about that person’s supervisor at the next level in the power structure?
Where would those who report to me and/or my colleagues and coworkers place my behavior?
How does my approach to power change when I’m under pressure?
To what degree would those around me say I use power over related to privileges connected to my gender, race, sexual orientation and/or other aspects of my identity?
In what ways am I working to understand and discard my use of power over related to these privileges?

The power over/power with distinction helps me make sense of relationships at work, within couples and family systems, and within larger systems as well. It can be eye-opening to evaluate community and world events using this framework. Finally, and perhaps most important of all, I use the power over/power with framework to gain insights regarding my own behavior. I hope you find this tool similarly helpful.
Stay with me through this article series. I’ll share what I’ve learned and what I’m learning about how to consistently strive for power with, a cornerstone of radical self-awareness. While I’ll focus mostly on the world of work, the content will also help with life beyond the workplace. If you’d like practical guidance on healthy ways to use power with in couple relationships and as a parent, see my books, Making Love, Playing Power: Men, Women and the Rewards of Intimate Justice and Simple Habits of Exceptional (But Not Perfect) Parents.
As mentioned earlier, I invite your thoughts on this and subsequent articles and I’ll respond as applicable. Please contact me also if you’d like to discuss a speaking event, coaching, or consulting. I look forward to hearing from you.